I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My Sentiments Exactly
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Aaaa…CHOO!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs