‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
You Might Also Like
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
happy mother’s day❤️
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
