Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

😭😭

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”