I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.