I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes