I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”