I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Not today
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.