I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
hydraulic press for headaches
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number