I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
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SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned