I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
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DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*