Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.