Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

You might just have to resign…

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/DvJopxgU0AENkw2.mp4

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.