flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”