Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.