Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.