Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?