Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

Midwest trash talk

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

hi why am I like this

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.