I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
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My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.