Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

going to the ER y’all need anything

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Please do it!