I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Breaking news:
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]