Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.