I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.