I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
So glad we cleared that up
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are