I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
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When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
it takes so much energy
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
they should invent a type of situation that improves.