I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
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I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Dammit Chief not again
Sorry not sorry.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.