I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
a public service announcement
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
why isn’t he texting back
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.