I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
what?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳