Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?