I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Boating season is upon us.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.