I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.