Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

sign of the times 🖊

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

get you a girl who

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.