Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

Me trying to look natural in photos

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night