I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
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My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.