I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
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“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
oh you wanna fight?!
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
How is it still this week?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*