I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
this is uni
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.