I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
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Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money