I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Not messing around
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳