Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

incredible google review i just found

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up