Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

LMAO.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?