Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

marvel comics have peaked

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

OMG 🤣🤣

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”