Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

When I laugh on my period

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste