Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
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Lmao
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
We like the way Dwight thinks
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The “baby” on the left….
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Very good news from my accountant
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor