Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
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the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.