Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

A game married people play.

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner