Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you