Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

a lot to unpack here

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.