I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
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When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.