I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
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*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.