I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
S M O L
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain