Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

it must be school picture day

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

me before I type out affect or effect

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!