I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
In case you needed to hear it:
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
fixed it
