I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
How it started How it’s going
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old