I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
You Might Also Like
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Social distancing in Australia:
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?