I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
What the hell is going on?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.