Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

One day you’re young and carefree and the next, you’re preheating the bathroom before you go in for a shower.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*