Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

hi why am I like this

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.