I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.
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Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?