I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
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“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
😂🍻
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’