Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.