Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

logging onto twitter…

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?