Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.