Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

I found your tweet-up…

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”