Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.