I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
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My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
THE DOG😭😭💀
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.