Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

is this meant to deter me

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge