I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Anyone really
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.