I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.