I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
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My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.